“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…