4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.