If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
why I oughta
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
No selfies while hijacking a train.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I saw this ending much differently.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.