I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
You Might Also Like
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.