Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
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My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
choose your fighter
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
sistine chapel
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
They must have gotten it to go.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”