Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.