A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I鈥檓 going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I鈥檓 trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday鈥檚 will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: I鈥檓 cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what鈥檚 coming .
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
him: hi, I鈥檓 Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I鈥檓 a little concerned
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.馃檭
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren鈥檛 even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You鈥檙e right, I鈥檓 sorry.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee