“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.