A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.