Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!