My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
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Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”