HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
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It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?