[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog