When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
i smell a pulitzer
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before