Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”