[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
💯😂
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom