I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I am, perchance
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…