me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I feel seen.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.