The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
You Might Also Like
What fresh Hell is this?!?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!