Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.