Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
me and who
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?