excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
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What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts