Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
#CoronaOutbreak
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*