Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.