Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter: