“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord