I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn鈥檛
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 馃檪
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they鈥檙e eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend