Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
This meal prepping shit easy
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.