Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what