You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Kids, do not try this at home!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
How actors in movies eat their food
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Hilarious if literal: arms race
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.