*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My first child will be named New Folder.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”