My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol