I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”