ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.