I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?