5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”