did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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house sitting!
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”