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*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
much to think about
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse