No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.