BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
It’s the weekend y’all
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
opening twitter today
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?