Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
How to wake up a Beagle
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
whatcha thinkin bout
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’