I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now