My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Put this video in the Louvre
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I feel this so hard
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.