My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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🦝🔥🦝🔥
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Hell yeah 👍
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme