I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
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With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.