Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!