*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Where is your GOD now????
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times