[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
smartest karate player in the world
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.