I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.