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[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Whoa 😂
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.